Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Skipping the dark.

I am a man who walks alone
And when I'm walking a dark road
At night or strolling through the park

When the light begins to change
I sometimes feel a little strange
A little anxious when it's dark.

Fear of the dark,fear of the dark
- Iron Maiden.




I haven't written for more than a year now. Wow! How busy did i get? 


(Disclaimer: This post will have no pattern to it. I’m cutting myself some slack as I’m writing after a year)

I'm on a self destructive path I think. Or maybe it's a savior. I have made myself so busy that I do not have time to sit and ponder upon my thoughts. I haven't read a book in over a year (hate myself for that). Sleep still eludes me so I have made it a point to work nights. This way I atleast avoid those tormenting nights.

I made Happiness a priority in 2015. My main goal. Inner peace you could call it. I think I'm on my way to find it. I avoid anything and anybody toxic to me like a plague. If you give me bad vibes, you are out. I'm not being a bitch. I'm just doing what's necessary to keep me sane. And it's working. My circle of acquaintances is getting bigger and bigger and my circle of real friends is getting smaller. That's cuz I have mastered the art of pretending to be perfectly happy.
Not everybody needs to know how bad you have it. What purpose is it serving? Keep the true vulnerabilities to those important people who will help you get through the dark.

I still have fear of the dark. The dark will not let me sleep. The dark will inject poisonous potions in my brain. But hey, tricking your brain into skipping one dark night at a time could eventually make you think the dark is a myth.

I still don't know where life is taking me. And I am in no hurry to find out. Cuz for now life seems almost perfect. And yet I’m up at 4 in the night scared of the dark! pfft!

I will start reading soon. And get back to writing. I miss those days where i had time enough to be silly to have mental breakdowns in the middle of a street. Like a very famous lady on the internet once said, "Aint nobody got time for that"

Skip the dark until you can muster up the energy to find the last light :)




Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Questions..


And some days I don't even trust myself,
It's killing me to see you this way! 
'Cause though the truth may vary, this
Ship will carry our bodies safe to shore..
- of monsters and men.
I'm gonna reach my mid twenties after about two more summers, and I'm still as lost as always.
I'm still stuck in the 13 year old girl's head. I might never completely understand why man ever made living so complicated when a few lucky souls knew exactly how simple life could be.

Everywhere else on all the social circles I'm busy fitting in being a phony in a very materialistic phony world. Trying to fit in and failing miserably most times. But this blog is my sanctuary...no one reads it anyway.

Some nights I'm just lying down trying to fall asleep to songs till its too late to even sleep,
Some nights I'm just staring at the ceiling for hours without thinking,
Some nights I work till two or three until I'm too tired to continue,
Some nights I cry without reason for hours until I'm dehydrated,
Most other nights I'm just on a marathon of movies and shows and it's become a drug to avoid all the above.

This year has been the best year of my life so far. I've met such amazing people. Had some wonderful experiences, work is at it's best so far. And yet the nights and free days seem to be messing too much with my mind. There are certain types of darkness that nothing in this world can cure. No matter how much fire is burnt to keep the darkness at bay, the fire has to burn out and darkness is always waiting to creep back in.

So those nights when I'm lying there fuckin my mind up, I remind myself of those nights which were so much more worse that I thought I wouldn't survive. But here I am..Fighting, cuz I need to. There will always be more nights like these, sometimes even days and entire weeks but may be, just a little may be, if I fight enough n long enough the darkness will subside eventually.  To anyone out there in case you stumble upon this post, fight my dear, one more night, cuz morning will gradually come although it might seem to take forever.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Hey You! Yes,you! Good Job!


 “It is not the strongest or the most intelligent who will survive but those who can best manage change.”
- Charles Darwin

          So I'm watching this show nowadays. It basically stands on the foundation of "desperate times call for desperate measures". Although its a brilliant show, it makes me sad to see how much pain the protagonist has to go through. After leading the entirety of his not-so-extravagant life on certain principles life brings him to such adverse conditions that he has to give up everything he believes in and had to take up drastic steps to survive.By the end of it the viewer even starts to question his morality, but is it right for us to judge? or should we try to understand the fact that he did what he did, to survive, because giving up somehow feels like cowardice doesn't it? 
          It's wonderful how humans can adapt and employ the most unthinkable ways, when faced with extreme conditions. They have this unshakable need to just survive, no matter what the future has to offer.
          Although not on a "hollywood" action-packed scale, we normal people also have to deal with situations we are not prepared for. We would have taught ourselves to live one way and would have built ourselves to fight our wars in certain ways, when life presents us with just the opposite. We tend to feel clueless, with no sense of direction or instruction.
          But then, evolution has given us humans the greatest gift- Adaptability! We change and mold and suit ourselves to fight those new wars. We Adapt! 
          Eventually, most  times, we win or at least manage to get through. But sometimes a few of our fellow fighters lose. We cannot say they didn't fight enough. They probably fought just as hard, but the odds kept changing against them and it was too much for them to handle and beyond their control. Respect the other players too. May be its just Darwinism- Survival of the fittest. As they say- Reality starts outside your comfort zone.
          God is a weird guy, he gives us this beautiful life with so much to live for, but then he fills it up with so much pain, sickness and constant struggle. The silver lining is that he also gives us immeasurable strength! Strength enough to fight all of it and still have the willpower to live.
           So give yourself some credit, you adapt everyday.
One step at a time!
You Fight!You Live!
Happy New Year!

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

For the survivers!

1)Maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it.
No matter  what. 
-Christopher Gardner (pursuit of happyness)



This post is for people who understand surviving in constant pain and burden and still have learnt not to give up.
There will be times when you think life could not get any worse, when you know everything is lost and nothing will ever get better. That is when life will give you something really unexpected, something that will make all the previous suffering worth it, something that will make every problem seem small and it will give you the strength to fight any obstacle. Even the slightest ray of hope or even the smallest feeling of happiness will seem like the biggest miracle. And suddenly you will start to live everyday with hope and strength. You will want to achieve new heights.

A small piece of advice, do not make the mistake of thinking it is forever! Cuz “life”- as they say-is a B***h! (Pardon my language)
As you finally start to feel comfortable with the new happy good positive life and start believing that all your hard work is paying off and may be you actually deserved it, life will kick you in the shins and wake you up. And wake up, you will! All of it will seem like a dream. You will wish you never found the good hope, cuz you had learnt to survive in the pain. You will wish to forget the happy feeling and go back to the hopeless life that you had before. Cuz the memories of the happiness will make your life a living hell when you are back to loneliness and abandonment. Please forgive me for writing such negative points but somebody has gotta write about the reality of the harsh side of life.

Nevertheless, I wouldn’t tell you to say no to the good hope and happiness when it comes knocking on the door. But what I’m trying to say is that when you find the happiness and hope, do not grow dependent on it. I cannot stress enough on the importance of remembering your bad times and never forgetting how to survive. Never forget life can take all the happiness away as quickly as it had come. Remember, you have survived in worse conditions, remember you are a warrior, remember how strong and independent you always were. So when life pushes you back to the edges, the brims of hopelessness and pain after a brief display of happiness, do not give up. Do not feel its over. Do not hurt or blame yourself cuz remember it could have been worse and you have seen worse. When you find the small ray of hope or happiness, thank god for it and when he takes it away, just know its because the universe knows what’s best. Do not say its gone cuz you dint deserve it. Everybody deserves happiness. Period! When and how, leave it up to the universe. Get back on the life train and go back to surviving.
Be Strong and Independent!

You will get through!

Friday, June 7, 2013

Take a walk.

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone!
(Green day)






              A beautiful friday afternoon. I was at office. The day hadn't started well at all. The first thing i had done in the morning was get shouted at by a loved one. Work was at its craziest peak. It was frustrating. I ended up shouting at a few people. Not something i usually do because i believe anger does not solve anything. But This day was different. I was finally a victim of the infamous "chain of anger"!  
             The chain of anger is a phenomenon where u end up shouting at everybody possible because somebody was angry at you. The symptoms are anxiety, paranoia , frustration and compressed anger. And the solution is usually found by shouting at somebody below your power at their slightest mistake, although they probably did not deserve it. 
             Anyway coming back to the point of this post, by around lunch time i had realized what a jack-ass i was acting like. And so i just walked out of office. Mercifully it was a beautiful day, the sun hidden, the temperature just like i wanted and hence perfect for my journey. I particularly mention the weather because normally at noon my city feels like the Sahara desert on most days. But this friday afternoon was perfect! 
             I started walking and mulled over the events of the day. I then realized i ethically had no right to shout at anybody. No matter what mistake anybody had done, they were human too. And the mistakes could be rectified by analyzing and working at the problem and it could be done in a calm way. And as to me being shouted at, that special person might have had a point! I might have been wrong.! May be he was only trying to help me, and i should rather look at how i could make sure not to get that person angry again rather than taking it personally and in turn getting upset. Well hey! I am human too. I don't remember how long i walked. I just got back to my office when my colleagues started calling me. And i was calm for the rest of the day, solving each problem with the usual patience i have, which is generally quiet a lot. 
           The point is, sometimes all it takes is some space and loneliness and distance from any human connection! Because that's how I've always been, finding my righteousness and courage and sanity in solitude. That special person and my work were very very important aspects of my life indeed, but there was no point of losing my mind over it if those aspects were not perfect for a day! I know it will get back to normal! And i will give it a hundred percent! 
           And also another important point of this post, anger is not the best way to solve anything, it may in turn actually lead to more problems. When ever you are angry, take some time off, calm yourselves, think over how the same issues can be solved in a calmer way! Trust me, it helps!
Keep calm and Live happy! 
Respect other's feelings! 

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Grilled brain !!

Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything
Nothing at all!

I know how bruno was feeling when he wrote this song. All of us have those days. I am so stressed and although i have a butt-load of work i'm just gonna laze around. Take a day off at work and listen to music all day. The reason for it, you ask? answer: 'butt-load of work" and i simply don't know where to start. My deadline isn't due till next week so today is gonna be the lazy day. Well to be honest i need a long holiday to unwind and this one day isn't gonna help me de-stress anyway. But what the hell, i'm not working for NASA. I'm goin to listen to music, watch all the trailers, eat all the chocolate in the world, stare into the wall for an hour without thinking,not answer my phone, no whatsapp,no facebook, no instagram,.more than anything, NO WORK, just me myself and i.
  
Wow, "that's the dream" ( Martin Luther king wouldn't agree:P).  And its called a dream cuz it cant happen, at-least for now. I see my phone beeping-updates,calls, texts, mails. This dream aint coming true. I gotta get back to the world and do what i gotta do. Oh dear lord,i need a break. Sigh!

Friday, February 1, 2013

What am i looking for. Blog posted Feb 1, 2013. Re posted Feb 2nd 2013
 New year.
This is my first blog in the new year. 
 I shared in my last blog that i just started working. Yes its been six months into the job.  Still love it. I guess i'm one of the lucky people who loves what they do (just a secret - i don't really do anything may be that's why i love it ). Well even though i don't work like a dog nor does my work take up much time, i still find no time for anything else.
        I still want to do so much. When i'm doing one thing i crave to do some thing else. Its like a constant fight in my brain. And that proves that i still don't know what i'm looking for. Nor do i know what i want out of life. God knows i'm jealous of people with a definite goal and ambition. How do they know what they want out of life? Phew i'm still trying to understand the questions when those driven souls already have answers. Call me dim-witted but that's how it is. It will take a lot of time but i'm sure i'll eventually find those answers.
       And what do i do until i know for sure? Well for that, i surprisingly have answers.And the answer my friends is to have fun. Live life to the fullest. Enjoy every moment. Yes your brain will keep nagging for answers and i agree that we never have to totally forget our actual reason for being. But that does not mean we have to keep cribbing about it all the time. Coz all work and no play makes jack a dull boy.
 So all i'm trying to say is-

The destination may be far, but lets enjoy the journey while we are on our way.